Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Let's Talk About Martinis

Okay, you all know, or have heard of, my kitchen bitch, Lou, a/k/a Mr. Zanne (thanks bnldavid for Mrs. Bnldavid),  Recently, okay, for 3-1/2 f'g years, this weird ass pirate guy has been following me around like my Seeing Eye Bitch, Sammy Davis Jr., Jr. (thank you, Liev Schreiber), sniffing my tail like we're married, then I find out this week that we actually ARE married in some crazy Ukranian head-slapping tradition.  WTF?  Who is this guy?  He tells me that his name is Vitoli, and keeps asking me how he can be of service.

Chop, bitch, chop!  Slice, dice, broil, grill, suck toes, whatever I tell you - what molestable woman in her 30s isn't interested in being worshipped?  Certainly not this one.  I have a toe slave for the next 50 years.  I can live with that.

Oh, back to martinis (sorry, I get off track when it comes to worshipping the Goddess that is Zanne).  Dirty, dirty, dirty, and only potato vodka.  That grain alcohol crap isn't fit for consumption.

What was I talking about???

Oh, for me, chill the glass with ice water, inhale over an open bottle of dry vermouth, exhale into an ice-filled shaker, skip the olives but drain half the brine in the jar into the shaker, and fill the rest with potato vodka.  Shake, pour, and make sure there's enough vodka left for another round.

A cosmo is not a martini.  An apple-tini is not a martini.  Vodka, gin, whatever twirls your skirt, but if you put something called "Pucker" into a martini glass, it's not a martini.

This is going to sound crazy, but it's awesome.  Everything I said above, but switch out pickle brine for the olive brine.  Thos little midgets are best, and I can eat them by the case.


  1. I go by many aliases. All will answer to cocktail orders, or toe sucking...

  2. We spent three hours in the bathtub last night, and there was no toe-sucking at all. Scrubbing toes with my politically-incorrect Pakistani clay foot scrubber, but there was no toe-sucking. I feel jipped. Martinis when you get home, or I'll break out the whips!


Scram, bitch, I'm on a break.

Recent Meals

  • Grilled (in the rain) marinated top sirloin w/my Steak Frite and London Pub Sauce
  • Fried chayote
  • Roasted aubergine, zucchini, and yellow squash
  • Soft garlic sandwich rolls, and we made meatball sandwiches
  • Sirloin rubbed with cardamom-laced Turkish coffee
  • Chocolate truffles w/rum and bourbon
  • Petit fours
  • Florentine cookies drizzled with chocolate
  • 13-Bean soup w/parmesan rind and leftover ham
  • Apple spice cardamom muffins
  • Guinnes-injected pot roast
  • Cran-blueberry corn muffins
  • Spaghetti and meatballs - basic, but always a hit in this house
  • Hummus w/roasted garlic, olive, red pepper, and smoked paprika
  • Veggie stirfry w/julienned baby carrots, green peppers, garlic, chickpeas, and balsamic, served over Chinese Black Forbidden Rice
  • Ginger-carrot cake
  • Ginger cranberry mojito
  • Lime-cranberry-mint-strawberry seltzer
  • Lavender-mint iced tea
  • Trip to Beirut: Shish taouk, shish kebab, halvah, garlic naan, rice pilaf w/figs, raisins, and pecans, w/my famous lemon-mint-garlic Lebanese potatoes
  • London Broil w/a wilted spinach and mustard green salad with a bacon, balsamic, and mustard dressing
  • Sweet and red potato pancakes w/zucchini and peppers w/chicken apple sausage
  • Italian wedding soup w/homemade croutons and meatballs
  • "Rock the Casbah" Cardamom, Ginger, Apple Pork Roast w/Armadillo Rice (for you fans of The Clash who remember the cover of Combat Rock)
  • Individual Quiche Lorraine
  • Prosciutto-wrapped beef cubes w/mustard pan sauce
  • Chicken Sausage w/garlic naan and dijon mustard - Lou and I were really drunk.
  • Salt potatoes, mixed fingerlings, lightly mashed, with lot of butter
  • Focaccia w/garlic, onions, mozarella and cherry tomatoes
  • Rosemary and lavender bread
  • Spicy greens and spinach salad w/fresh mozzarella pearls, strawberries, and a strawberry vinegarette
  • Polenta casserole w/cheese and squash baked IN acorn squash halves